ma vie muette

so this may seem like a weird one, but good ol’ Oprah has a point. i am not a crazy Oprah following zombie, but anyone as smart and as kind as her, must be ok. so this is a plan to follow her idea of gratitude to improve your life. i have done it before. i haven’t in a long time. let this be my reminder. please hold me to it- weekly, if not daily— i need to list the things i am grateful for. let’s say 10 things….. go:
my husband
my cat
my family
living in the high desert
owning a home
new (good friends)
creating (more often)
good whiskey
alone time
dashie up in heaven

thnx 4 listening

Emile said the best thing could have ever said to me the other night. drunk and lovely afloat the midnight madness. when he was in this room and i the other. i belted my heart out while the zune was playing some of our favorites. and across the room- i heard and asked for clarification on what my ears could not have so joyfully heard.
“i like it when you sing”…. (“what? eagerly) “i like it when you sing- you should do it more often.”
little does he know that he awoke a secret urge in me to sing- and start a band (preferably with him) i have been seriously thinking about learning to play the ukelele.. and then a mandolin. i still feel a bit too protective of my secret–i may lock it back up in a box so that it does not get bruised. or not, only time will tell- just wait and see.

Whatever drink you like tonight?  Go see crazy heart! it is so very good.  i kept on seeing my father in bad’s character. though i never saw him that way in reality.  and myself.  though i may never admit it, i see the tendencies and lies and cover-ups, and excuses, the cravings.  it has never been destructive or debilitating enough to cause alarm. so i continue. i have no intention of stopping, though i try to control it in my own way.  i have  conditioned myself to wait until the weekend.  i am realizing that a lot of it has to do with my constant anxiety and worry.  i drink to start the weekend to relax and now i am to help me to not worry about the work week.  i hope that once i feel more comfortable in a new career and feel  fulfilled from it I will not worry about the work week so much and other positive things will fill the drinking void.  i had a positive gleam of sunshine this weekend and i hope with all my heart that it comes to fruition… lord knows i will do my best to make it happen.  i will prove emile wrong ( i do not ENJOY being miserable).

So this is the start of my own personal on-line diary, confessional, anxiety-release so-to-speak. I feel a bit like doogie howser right now.  you know- like at the end of the show where he types up his days revelations.  I do love Neil Patrick Harris, that’s NPH, to you, so i guess that is a good thing.  Actually, I suppose i should first explain my intentions and a bit about myself.  I first got this idea because of my favorite author, Anais Nin.  I am on the current mission to read all of her diaries in order.. she wrote from the age of 11 until her death.  I recently moved out into the middle of nowhere in the desert from the hustle and bustle of the nyc metro area.  don’t get me wrong, i love it out here.  but it is just me, my fiance, and my cat.  i have a lot of pent up feelings in which i have noone to talk.  i can only rehash certain things with emile so many times before they are beaten to death. plus, what they don’t know can’t hurt em, right?  so my first intention was to write on notebook- to hide it would never work and for one to find the type of things i plan to confess, well they should never be linked back to me.  so nix.  i also thought i might write and literally burn the pages. dangerous.  and such a waste of natural resources. poor trees. (hint about me: a vegetarian, tree-hugging not-so-crunchy hippie type).

now to get to my blog title.  if you didn’t get it already with the anais nin reference, and the french title, i am not french..i am however a bit of a francophile.  i love the food, the culture, the clothes, the language (though i am not fluent, YET), brigitte bardot, henry miller (yes i know he is not french, but), etc etc.

so for now, i’d like to close going off:  i am not mute.  my voice can be heard.  that is what o great about this.  fuck that girl in middle school who put me down. she probably lives in a trailer park now.  actually i think trailer park life could be quite interesting, and i regress, i do not put them down. just her. however, no regrets. all things happen for a reason, and my life has taken me to this point and made me who i am. so i just need to take a deep breath and live it.